Yesterday afternoon the doorbell rang…lo and behold, it was the chilly-fingered postman fingering my new American passport. I probably don’t need one for some time, with no plans to travel internationally for at least 3 months, but had to just have one, so they can’t change their minds and take it away. I pinch myself that I now belong in a country where passports take a week to arrive. That’s stupendous. Do you know that in order to change my name in South Africa after my marriage, I need to re-register my birth and that this takes 12 months? You don’t know the inadequacies of government bureaucracies until you are in Africa, my friend. Americans have absolutely nothing to complain about when they moan about red tape. They’re kind of like those skinny chicks who sit on the wall, legs dangling their legs with the fatties, commiserating on how much cellulite they have. It’s just transparent and silly. Rejoice in what you have, my friends! Americans are waaaaaay to quick to berate their own country.
So, today I dedicate this to America and all I love and covet about her:
1. Starbucks for the seasonal drinks – the fall salted caramel hot chocolate is my vice. It calls me from way across the street and kills my plans to not eat any sugar. Who knew? Salty and sweet?!
2. Government services that are lightning fast and beat their own timelines
3. WIFI everywhere, like nosy neighbours, letting me download music, books, websites and maps to my little heart’s content
4. Supersoft Charmin toilet paper I want to put my face to – but don’t
5. Oversized melons, pineapples and bananas that are shameless about their curves
6. Amazon-like showerstorms in the vegetable section of the supermarket that keep the flesh of my melons soft and sweet, the leaves of my lettuce moist and juicy
7. $0.03 a minute calls to South Africa, Antarctica or Israel
8. Exotic food stores where I can load up on Aromat, Ouma rusks, tamarind and ghee
9. Police that pull you over for traffic violations, and men on bicycles that just post tickets under windscreen-wipers. Talk about a charming upsidedown world
10. Streetcleaning, and the revised weekly schedule that lets me forget I own a car in a big city
11. Smoke-free restaurants and bars, clean clothes and less colds
12. Social services and unemployment weekly payments that pay my rent when the economy crashes, slides and burns
13. Zipcar – the world’s largest car sharing service, and how everyone uses it
14. Red Lobster – cheap seafood lunches with bottomless scrumptious cheese herb scones enjoyed elbows-deep with everybody in churchgear on a Sunday
15. $50 flights from San Francisco to Los Angeles on Virgin America
16. Diet Coke, Coke Zero, Caffeine-free Diet Coke, Diet Coke Plus, Diet Coke with Lemon, Diet Coke with Lime, Diet Cherry Coke, Diet Vanilla Coke, Diet Black Cherry Vanilla Coke (you knew that was coming), Diet Coke with Splenda, Coca Cola C2, and Coca Cola Blak. For my many moods
17. Debating the blessings and importance of lime vs lemon with Americans
18. Over-sized sodas, burgers, coffees, cars, highways, and fruit…and mini-vodka cranberries with double oversized shots of Grey Goose
19. Educating Americans on our versions of scones vs muffins vs flapjacks vs pancakes
20. The Kindle, iPod, iPhone and everything other gadget that changed the world and steals my time
21. Facebook, Netflix, Meebo, Amazon, Yelp, Flicka, Drudge Report, Rotten Tomatoes, and the CIA website: THE source for all you ever wanted to know about the world
22. Making up words like “laundried up” and not getting a second glance about it
23. Whistling for cabs in the middle of the street, while still looking perfectly normal
24. Calling everyone “sir” or “Ma’am”
25. The wonderfulness of Thanksgiving – Christmas without the commercialism
26. The craziness of Black Friday – commercialism’s backlash the day after Thanksgiving
27. Victoria Secret – the shows, models and underwear. I’ll take it all
28. Dirt cheap cellphone plans and unlimited home phone lines
29. Cranberry juice, the OJ of America
30. Dogs equal children
31. ATMs that scan my checks
32. Deepak Chopra talking at Grace Cathedral in San Francisco on a random evening
33. World class cities – a spoiling choice of NYC, Boston, San Francisco, San Diego, Los Angeles, Austin, Miami, and Chicago
34. Small town and Midwest real America – a welcoming choice of Kansas, Indiana, Illinois, Virginia, and Idaho
35. Being only one flight away from Hawaii, when you live in California
36. Road trips – the endless blistering tar ahead, the Eagles and Fleetwood Mac, and Arby’s curly fries
37. The smell of fresh, rich, roasted, hot coffee
38. Donuts, bagels and cinnamon buns – the breakfast of champions
398. Thursday night TV extravaganza, Sunday night TV extravaganza and Wednesday night TV extravaganza
40. Drive-thru pharmacies and banks, online grocery deliveries, farm-fresh vegetable orders, and movie DVDs in the mail
41. The way they say “Welcome Home” every time I get to the front of immigration line at JFK
42. National parks a dime a dozen, like Yosemite, Appalachian, Bryce Canyon and Death Valley
43. Sayings like a dime a dozen, getting on the horn, pro ho, to pull a Dr Seuss, and a day late a dollar short
44. The goofiest inventions like the cheese-filtered cigarette, the diaper alarm and the pet toilet
45. The more money they make, the more they want to give away. Thank you Warren Buffet and Bill Gates
46. The non-rich in places like Iowa and Texas, giving the most at Christmastime to the poor
47. 24-hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year supermarkets
48. 24 Hour Fitness closes at 10pm
49. Shops that open on a Sunday
50. 1 hour turnaround on emails
TO BE CONTINUED
Oh, we foreigners moan and complain about Americans endlessly, but it is much like those skinny chicks sitting on the wall…we just want to be cool.
Tell me what you like about America – or don’t.
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